*Geordie Accent* Day 10 - Kristoff is alone in the house

Yup, Day Ten of "Give up the booze you freaking alcohol fiend" challenge.

So, how am I doing? To be honest, I don't think I am doing too bad, I have already stated that I appear to have lost weight, which I am rather happy about, and I feel in better health, however I am finding that I am struggling to sleep more at present, and I also find myself meandering down to the shops, walking straight to the alcohol, wondering why I am there, then going back home.

I really can't be arsed typing much, other than today, I realised why people piss me off... again.

So, I was doing my last day of work for the YMCA shop in Blackpool, which has been a good time, resulting in cheap/first choice at books and clothes, and also when I covered for my mum, £10 for a day of sitting about reading.

The time would have been about 11am, the door is wide open, and a woman walks in, walks up to the counter, coughs loudly, and questions me, "Are you open?" she says, at this point, I wish I had a spine, as I would give her a sarcastic comment, most likely being, "No, I am quite clearly closed, the shutters are up and the door is wide open, does this look like a closed shop to you?... OF COURSE WE'RE BLOODY WELL OPEN YOU IMBECILIC MORON!".

Thankfully, for this imbecilic moron, I know better than this, and I know that, apparently, "The Customer Is Always Right"... I'm unsure on that phrase, I would opt for, "The Customer Is Most Frequently A Moron".

Then, later on in the day, I got pissed off with a bloke who came in smoking a cigarette. I stated that it is a non-smoking shop, (as are most shops in almost everywhere), and if he could stand outside with his cigarette, he apologises and stands in the middle of the shop, RIGHT NEXT TO A BABY!! A baby no more than 13months old, if that, with some old guy smoking blowing the smoke right in the parent and child's face. I then again say that it is a non smoking shop, and can he take his cigarette outside, he moves closer to the door, but still inside, then goes with his cigarette, AND POINTS WITH IT!! at an item of children's clothing, HAS THIS MAN NO BRAIN? NOT A SINGLE CELL!?!?

If you are looking at this blog old man, over your chain smoking habits, here is a simple equation;

Nylon + Cigarette = Fire

Simple as mate, it's called fire, you must have experienced it at some point in your life. I know he wont be reading this however, as he will be sat on his sofa tonight probably black as charcoal from being in a house fire due to a neglected cigarette.

Morons, every single one of them.

Anyways, the day came to a close and I set off for home, and as I passed Oxfam, I had a sudden urge to buy a leather jacket, so I popped in, the girl at the counter waved at me, 1...2...3... "I recognise you", I said cautiously letting my brain tick over, "It's Michaela", she said, of course, now I knew why I recognised her! For the record, she has changed a lot, she has stretched her ears, doesn't look dangerously rake thin anymore, and is no longer obsessed by pretty sparkly girly scene kid things. No, now she is obsessed with faux-punk, grungy, scene kid things. Out of the frying pan into the fire, I guess.

Anyhoo, she let me try a selection of leather jackets on, and I found one I like, which is very similar to the one sported by Christopher Eccleston, in his portrayal of the 9th Doctor.

Like that.

It's made from cow! I love beef.

Night all!!

Kristoff

Since I feel like utter shit...

Let see what symptoms of alcohol withdrawal I am going through.

Those I am suffering from will be in red

Mild to moderate psychological symptoms:

• Feeling of jumpiness or nervousness
• Feeling of shakiness
• Anxiety
• Irritability or easily excited
• Emotional volatility, rapid emotional changes
• Depression
• Fatigue
• Difficulty with thinking clearly
• Bad dreams

Mild to moderate physical symptoms:

• Headache - general, pulsating
• Sweating, especially the palms of the hands or the face
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia, sleeping difficulty
• Paleness
• Rapid heart rate (palpitations)
• Eyes, pupils different size (enlarged, dilated pupils)
• Skin, clammy

So there you go. I am quite clearly dieing

Chocolate - The new alcohol?

Man that question sounds like something out of a Bridget Jones movie! Well, yeah, blah blah blah, I've given up booze, blah blah blah. You know the script now, but prior to giving up booze, I hardly ate chocolate, however, in the past three days I have eaten:

• A bag of milk chocolate buttons
• A cadburys milk chocolate bar
• A crunchie
• 3 kit kats
• 5+ chocolate digestives
• A chocolate mousse

I'm seriously worried that giving up alcohol is affecting my body in different ways, and I have a funny feeling that my liver is silently grinning thinking, fuck you heart, you're gonna have a heart attack, failing to realise that this result in the livers death too.

Livers are fucking cretinous shits.

So, today, I am sat wishing I wasn't here, I wasn't abstaining from alcohol, and that I was watching Big Hand in Liverpool who quite frankly are ace as big ladies tits. (To be honest, I don't have a thing for tits, or legs, or arse, I just like my girls either curvy or tomboy-esque, infact girls who play guitar = win) But, NO, I'm sat at the computor chomping down the afore mentioned crunchie bar praying for this to be over, although I did get another £6 in sponsorship today, taking the grand total up to £62. Not bad on day 5 is it? 15 DAYS TO GO!! WOOHOO!!

Also, I hate my college, but I'm not going to dwell on it too much, but I will tell you now, that you should never have any plans outside of college, because they will be bastards and trample all over previous plans. If you are reading this you will probably know what I am on about, and if you don't know what I am on about, you should talk to me more on msn!

P.S. Dydd Gwyl Dewi Hapus to all you lot from Wales!!

So, how is it all going so far?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

So, ok, we all know, that the good comes with the bad. So I will get the bad out of the way.

I have found that, the worst thing about giving up booze, isn't the cravings, or withdrawl symptoms, no, it's the fact that it's fucking boring. I mean, right now, I am bored beyond all belief, and on a normal day, I would pop down to the pub, now, I know technically, I can go to the pub, however, I also know that if I was to go to the pub, I would end up drinking, thus rendering all these past 4 days pointless, and I may aswell never have started. So I think that the worst thing about not drinking is you become bored, it's ok if you choose not to drink, you can go out and not drink, but when you love the drink like I do, it's much harder.

Another thing I have noticed, which makes zero sense, is that I am more randy than usual. I know that sounds hard to believe coming from a guy, most people would think, "Yeah, you have a cock, you're randy all the time", which, is kinda true, but I am usually too drunk to even give a fuck about sex, I just usually moan like an emo twat about how nobody will ever go out with me, which I still think, but at the moment, I don't care, I am just ready to hump peoples legs when they go past me! (You will be glad to know I have managed not to do this....... yet... there are still 16 days left of this challenge, be afraid, be very afraid)

So the good. Much less to type about it. But my blood pressure is decreasing.

Like I said, much less to type about it. It's quite typical of me, tell me to write about ska music, and I really couldn't type much. Tell me to write about strangers, and you would be given ten pages of me just ranting about how much I hate people.

Hmm, will you look at that, technology is taking over, I said "I really couldn't type much"

What does that tell you?

'till next time!

Kristoff

My Red Nose Day Challenge

Those who know me will already know, I am doing the impossible, thinking the unthinkable, and not drinking the drinkable. I am giving up alcohol for 20 days in aid of Comic Releif.

It's a scary thought innit?

Me, the drinker of all things with a % on the bottle. Not drinking, I soon expect to see shares in breweries and distilleries plummet!

But I guess it is all for a good cause, of course, the obvious reason that the money I raise will go to a fantastic cause, and help children and families in the UK and Africa that need the help.

Also, for the fact that I am going to save money, seriously, I spend all my money on alcohol these days, and what with not having any alcohol to buy, because I can't drink it, I will have money either being unspent, or spent on wiser more permanent things.

Secondly, the health benefits, I have just done my blood pressure, and it reads as 169 over 72, which, all you need to know really, is that, that its a healthy blood pressure, and the lower both the numbers are, the healthier I am. Ideally, a blood pressure more around 140 over 60 is healthier. It would be good if I can get close to that. Whilst I did it, I also discovered that my pulse at the time was 62bpm, which is bloody chilled out I can tell you that for sure.

Also, I hope I lose some weight with cutting out the booze for 20 days. Booze makes you fat, it is a fact, they don't call it a beer belly for nothing. I am currently at the Moby Dick-esque weight of 12stone, which, for a small fella like me, is actually overweight, I should be 10 and a half stone for my height I believe. I also like that weight, I used to be that heavy until I turned 18 and my waist size went west.

So, what have I noticed so far in this, day 2, of the challenge. Well, surprisingly, I haven't had the urge to drink, infact, a friend just said do I fancy going to the pub for a pint, and I really couldn't be arsed for it. As long as I have fruit juices and tea, I am more than happy. Although I don't expect this feeling of not really caring at all to last more than 4 days. It's going to be tricky, but I am going to avoid all purveyors of alcohol until it is over so I am not tempted to the dark side hahah. Also, wierdly enough, I have only have 5 and a half hours sleep, but woke up at 10:30 this morning, and got up straight away, which is something that never happens, because I have usually drank the night before. But I feel fresh as a daisy hahah!

Oh by the way, I have currently been sponsored £55 to do this. Lets see how much money we can raise for charity eh? If you wanna sponsor me, just message me via my myspace @ www.myspace.com/krisball.

Well, off to do stuff on the netterwebz!!

Kristoff x

P.S. Go Google "Jumstyle" and "Youtube", c'est fantastiqué

Pfft. Pissed off. As always

Lets set the scene.

I am STARVING!

So in the oven are four fishcakes, which I intend on scoffing with mighty gusto.

So, yeah, my last blog. To quote Spike Milligan;

"I told you I was ill"

Went to the doctors, turns out, I have tonsillitis. Lovely jubly, thanks dad for not believing me. He was however quite apologetic about the whole matter. (Rightly so too)

So anyhoo, the past weekend has been, oooh, a great big full load of... no fun at all. I haven't seen any of my friends, except Mason and Alex on Sunday for about 20mins. I have felt like shit, and to make matters worse, yep, The International Day Of Me Being Single is just around the corner. Marks & Sparks ads for pink champagne and chocolate truffles becoming more and more frequent, hearts and red tissue paper in the local off liscences window, for crying out loud, A VALENTINES DISPLAY WINDOW INCLUDING 3 LITRES OF DEVON COUNTY CIDER, TENNANTS SUPERSTRONG, WHITE LIGHTNING AND RED STRIPE... well ok, Red Stripe is good, if anyone wants to get me some Stripe for Valentines, feel more than welcome.

So, also on the topic of Valentines Day, my dad is kicking me out.

Gee thanks dad!

Yup, he is kicking me out, so he can cook a nice meal for him and his lady friend.

But he hasn't thought "What if Kris has nothing to do?"

Which, funnily enough... I DON'T.

Nope, lets go through my best mates.

Mason and Alex :: Well, forgone conclusion, they are spending the evening together, they have been going out over a year now, so obviously they are out of the question.

Mully :: Well, today (also the international day of tonsillitis) Mully had his tonsills taken out. So he will be at the hospital for a couple of days whilst they keep him in to make sure the operation went ok. Thats doing something with him out of the question (Plus if I went out with him, he would end up getting off with some random girl and end up making me feel even more shite)

Cribby :: I don't imagine Cribby going out on Wednesday, and if he does, he will be going round to El's place. Now, even though we have made up, I don't seem to get invited round there any more. So thats him out of the question.

Vegan :: He just got a girlfriend recently and is always talking about her to me on msn. It annoys me that people seem to want to flaunt the fact they have relationships in my face. So thats him out of the question too.

It's at this point I think to my less closer friends ::

Greg :: He has Hannah, they will be together... out of the question.

Corby :: She will get drunk and be a state... out of the question.

Hannah :: She has Greg... out of the question.

Onion :: He lives in Liverpool and has a driving lesson... out of the question.

Edward :: He lives in Manchester, and well... out of the question.

HELL! I even asked SmarterChild and he was vague and changed the subject.

Oh and girls, don't get me started on them, whenever I tell a girl how I feel towards them, they suddenly change the subject.

So, I am left with two definates.

1) On Wednesday, I am going to be wandering the streets of Blackpool for about three hours whilst my dad has a lovely time, whilst I am on my own, freezing cold, with nothing to do and noone to do nothing with.

2) I am going to be single forever.

Kristoff

x

Illness

Yeah, so just a very small rant today about illness.

Yesterday I was off college due to nausea and flu like symptoms. My dad doesn't know this, I knew he wouldn't believe me, so I went off to my mums house and hid away there, and acted like everything was normal. The evening progressed, I felt fine then. So I went to bed about 1am after watching a programme on the Gumball 3000 (which for those who don't know me, is one of my ambitions to do before I die, along with learning how to pilot a helicopter and own my own pub)

About 3am it would have been, I still hadn't been able to sleep, I run to the toilet to yawn in technicolour. I was quite loud, but nor did my coughing all night or my retching above the toilet bowl wake my dad up, I even said through the door "Dad, I've just been sick but I have cleaned it up"

So this morning, about 8am, he pops his head round the door and says "Are you getting up for college?", in what sounded like a sympathetic voice, it sounded like the sort of voice that implies, "Are you feeling well enough for college?", I presumed this is what my dad meant, I said "No, I still feel rough"... actually, I croaked it, yup, I woke up this morning without a voice, merely a rasp. Cue my dad to start shouting at me saying that I was just pretending, and that it's because I'm not getting EMA (which I am not, but it aint my fault, the EMA office have fucked up, and my dad wants some rent money) I tried telling my dad through my rasp that I was really ill, and his words "I don't care, get up and go to college", everytime he kept saying that when I tried to say something until I took a big deep breath in and told him to fuck off.

Those who know me well at all, know that for all the swearing I do on stage and with my friends, I make a habit of never swearing at my parents, first time I ever swore at my father was when I had my drink spiked and was completely out of it, and I have no reccolection of this, but even then I controlled myself and never used the word cunt apparently. Second time was this morning. And that is in my whole life!! So you can understand how pretty pissed off I was.

At this point he grabbed my guitars and threatened to throw them out the window saying "That'll get you out of bed" It was an idle threat, and I knew he wouldn't do it, but he came back puzzled to see why I wasn't following him.

Why was that you ask?

I was in bed coughing and choking and retching. Also at this point I think he then noticed the fact I could hardly talk, then he left me alone after making me ring up college and tell them I wouldn't be in.

So I went back to sleep, and woke up at 12:30pm, when my dad told me he booked me a doctors appointment. I thought, "Great, my throat is caning, lets see if the doc can't fix this"

My appointment is tomorrow.

It is now 8:25pm, and my voice is almost back to normal, about 70% better.

Yup, so tomorrow is the day I walk into the doctors and proclaim in a Brian Blessed mannerism, "I HAVE LOST MY VOICE"

Fucking laughable joke that is getting an appointment with the doctors these days.

I said short rant didn't I?

Here I am

So here I am.

Kristoff.

If you are reading this now, I have probably just linked you to it, and you are thinking "Well, it's better than myspace"

yeah.

sure.

So, as I said, "here I am" I am here sat at the lappytoppy with a glass of beer. It is quite nice, it is a blonde beer, called Leffe Blonde (Look how I did that blogging thing of linking to certain words). To be honest, it's got a lovely flavour, and as a blonde or white beer, it's perfect with a nice sizeable chunk of lime...NO LEMON... why can't my local shop have lime, I asked them and she suggested I use some lime jiffy in it. I settled for lemon, it's as close as I am gonna get, so here I am (again) drinking it, and it's really quite nice, and it reminds me of summer.

What a great time the summer was eh? Lounging about by the pool, drinking pina coladas?

Well, maybe not hahah. But still, it was warm. AND THAT IS WHAT I AM MISSING!! Heat in the air, but soon it will be spring, and I almost have a kick in my step, and after spring comes summer. And for once, I am not in a bad mood.

Yeah, thats what I thought too! (At this point I am almost certain you are all in a state of shock)

AND! To make me even happier, my friend told me that the show Life On Mars returns on Tuesday 13th Febuary!! So don't try to contact me when it's on, because you will be barked at down the phone or shooed away from my door. I WONT EVEN BE ON MSN!

How is he in 1970's Manchester?

TELL ME?!?

Ahh well, it's the 2nd and final series so not long to find out :)

I would still love to see John Simms as The Doctor, but I imagine he would get typecast if he did two time travelling roles.

Anyways, I am off folks, beer has to be attended to and stuff like that.

Buh bye!

Kristoff XXX

Bored, so, I felt like blogging

Yeah, I feel I should blog more regulary, I thought I blogged loads last year, but it turns out, I didn't actually.

So yeah, keep y'all up to date, I am single again, but I shant air my laundry in public over the internet for anyone to read, so if you want to know more, then feel free to ask and I shall explain. I'm not too happy about being single, as would anybody who spends nearly two years of their life being single, finally finds someone, and it doesn't even last a full 7 days, 6 days is all it lasted, and thus meaning, Valentines Day will be horrible, just like last year, and the year before last, and the year before, and the year before that I probably didn't give two shits.

In all honesty I probably still shouldn't give two shits because it's not even a proper holiday, it's what I would call a Hallmarks Cards holiday, an excuse for florists to increase the price of red roses from £1 a rose to £2.50 a rose, for shops to get loads of boxes of chocolates in that fell off the back of a lorry and flog them at "2 boxes for £5" ... WHY? You buy your girlfriend two boxes of chocolates and insinuate she is a fatty hefferlump and will scoff a box whilst you nip to the loo or something?

OR

Are you buying two boxes because you are a filthy man whore with two girls on the go, there is no need to buy two boxes of chocolates for valentines day, I just don't get it. Maybe it's because I am old and grumpy or something. In fact, the more I think about Valentines Day the more infuriated I become, already all the shops are full of little white teddy bears with red paws and holding little hearts which say "I Wub You" and soppy crap like that.

Thing is, if I had someone I would probably fall for it, which is not only sad, but infuriating as, it would cost me money, and the thought of me spending money on a hallmarks cards holiday is pissing me off SO much I have forgotten that when I first came on here, I HAD NOTHING TO RANT ABOUT AND NOW I AM AT THIS POINT I AM FURIOUS AND READY TO STOMP ROUND THE CORNER TO THE LOCAL CARD SHOP AND SHOUT

"OI, YOU, NO!!!"

But I am going to calm down, this is doing my blood pressure no good, and I want to live past 27 ya see.

No, I can't do it, I am now going to hold Claire single handedly responsible for making me pissed off about Valentines Day, if I was still with her, I would have hap-hazzardly gone and burnt money on a cutsey teddy bear and a card and other such tat that was made in a sweat shop in Taiiwan, and not cared because I would felt all cutesy and in love, but no! I am single, I think about being alone on Valentines Day, it gets me down because I don't want to be alone on the international day of lurve, but this makes me angry, because I hate Valentines Day anyway, because of how phoney it is, and the fact it is just making money for business men in suits in high rise offices in London, and then I start thinking that I was going to go waste money on that shit and it's a vicious circle that doesn't seem to end, and my head is killing and I am typing a bazillion words a second coz i am THAT pissed off.

END

Stupidly Bouncing Happy

Well, 2006, for me, sucked, I think if you read my blog as often as I ought to update it, you would know that, from both my regularly sporadic ranting and my review of the year.

Well, this year couldn't have started better. Yesterday I spent the day with a very special girl called Claire, I shant embarrass her by putting up a photo haha, but rest assured she is very special and beautiful. We just chilled at my house watching BASEketball (twice) and cuddling on my sofa.

Then after Claire went back (she lives in Preston sadly), I went to see my dad at his work as we went to the nurses club for a pint or two, it was ok, nowt special.

Then my dad dropped me back off at home, where I came online onto msn. I was talking to Claire, and I said how much I enjoyed spending time with her, and after a lot of talking, I confessed that I wished I kissed her, Claire said she felt the same... and, to cut a long story short, I asked her out, properly, and, well, I wouldn't be stupidly bouncing happy if she said no, so obviously, she said yes.

So here I am, the boy who thought he would never have someone special in his life, with an extra special girlfriend, who is amazing and I am so happy to have her.

Last night I hardly slept, I was just so excited I had found someone, I had about two hours of sleep, and then spent most of the night trying to sleep, it wasn't much of a success.

So, off I popped to college, grinning like a lunatic (apart from at lunchtime when I felt ill) feeling so happy all day.

I was very happy until about half way through writing this blog, as my dad had a go at me, for not putting away all the washing up from tea. What I don't understand, is he makes tea and makes a mess, I have to wash and put away. I make tea and keep pans to a bare minimum, I have to wash up and put away. My dad leaves me things to do, I am expected to do them, I leave my dad things to do, I get shouted at for not doing them. Sometimes I just don't understand this.

But anyway, on a lighter note, I love Claire so much.

Kristoff

xxx

2006 - The Annual Review

January

Sucked

Febuary

Sucked

March

Sucked

April

Sucked

May

Sucked even more

June

Suprisingly alright, my bands first gig

July

Sucked

August

Moved into Layton, fantastic

September

My birthday - Sucked

October

Sucked

November

Pretty sucky

December

Total sucked

Christmas comes but once a year,

And thank god for that,
It's bloody dear!

So, yep, it's that time of year again people, the season of goodwill, AKA the season of being nice to those who piss you right off and then you have to write them a christmas card, even though you quite frankly couldn't give a toss if they were found dead in the gutter (I am thinking of a certain parents boyfriend here).

I have been a right scrooge face this year, I have only gotten family members and close friends xmas cards, and only gotten my parents christmas presents, well, getting, as I am getting my dads xmas present tomorrow, and how did I afford his bloody expensive christmas present.

CAROL SINGING!!

But, oh no, none of that

"We wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year" *holds hand out expecting a few quid* bullshit, nope, not for me, I went round the houses in my local area, with my guitar singing Slade's famous xmas song, "Merry Christmas Everybody", and in just over an hour, I made fifteen quid, which quite nicely has bought me two bottles of cheap plonk, and £10 to go towards the £5 i already have to get my dads christmas presant tomorrow. I feel kind of bad spending £15 on my dad, and only £8 on my mum, but I feel my dad deserves it, he has had a shit year, what with my mum leaving him for a piece of shit, being homeless for a period of time, living with my grandad, living in a grey box room of a flat in St.Annes (it was horrible to see him there, and typing about it gives me bad memories of a time I never want to see again), whilst my mum had our home in Fleetwood with a piece of shit, and a murderer of a brother threatening my dad to keep away otherwise he will beat him up worse than last time.

Thankfully, this part of the year has gone, it'll soon be 2007, and a brand new year, when the horrible things of this year can be forgotten! So yes, on Christmas day, my dad will have his Windy Miller statuette that he has wanted for a fair few months now.

So, another thing I am getting sick to my back teeth of, playing fucking Last Christmas by Wham! And we have only played it once at a gig, but it's a total crap song to play, and for the record, I never really wanted to do it, I wanted to do Christmas Time by Cliff Richard!! Alas, I couldnt find chords for it anywhere!

Oh, in other news, TEPODD is expanding, alongside new recruit, Arran B on Keyboards, Jimmy Kage from Blackpools Senton Bombs, will be joining on trumpet and violin!!

Booyah!!

Merry Christmas all, and a happy new year!!

Kristoff xXxXx

Bastarding sodding grumping moaning whinging twat.

Yes, thats me. Honest, I really do hate many things, and today I am going to take some time out of whinging about them outloud, to whinge about them via my fingers.

It's a bit hard being a middle aged bloke in the body of a 19 year old, things piss me off that shouldn't piss me off, and for me, the one big one I should understand, but don't, is technology. I am crap with it, give me a phone I break it within a short amount of time, it takes me about an hour of constant messing about with the leads, restarting the pc, etc, just to upload a couple of photos onto that internet phenomena that is Myspace. I shan't put a link onto it, I'm addicted, thats bad enough. Now, yeah, you must have already figured my camera is a camera phone. WRONG! No, it's a camera. I fucking hate people calling me on it, firstly it buzzes in my ear and is annoying, secondly, I ditest talking to people on the phone, especially when I am in public. When I am on the bus, one thing that annoys me so much to the point of me exploding with rage is people, in the almost Trigger Happy TV stylee, shouting down their mobiles. It makes me want to go to them and pull their phone away from their ear so they can concentrate on me, and explain, that just because their boyfriend/girlfriend/child/parent/spouse/other is 20 miles away, it does NOT mean they have to shout to them, the microphone in the mobile will pick up their voice.

So anyway, I don't like talking on my phone in public for that very reason, the fact that someone could listen in on my conversation scares me, I'm a private person. The other reason for me not wanting my mobile phone on me, is the only people who ring me is my cousin, Phil, and my mum. Both of whom are quite dull to talk to on the phone, the conversation mainly consists of listening to them breating. All in all, I really REALLY hate mobile phones.

So, at the moment, I am really starving and there is no food I can eat in the house, my dad ate all the chips, instant mash, etc, the stuff that you can have with fish, or pie, or sausages. This is annoying because I haven't eaten all day now. Whilst I am on the topic of food, Greggs.

Greggs and Hampsons are the most evil places on earth. They annoy me from the second I step in the shop. I put one foot through the door, there they are like a pack of lions making the sudden attack on their unsuspecting prey.

"Yes please?"

The woman behind the counter asks with a forced cheeriness to her voice... this is instantly annoying, because I haven't yet devoloped the skill of foresight, enabling me to know exactly what I want to buy as soon as I walk into the shop. I feel like shouting "You don't know me as a regular, you don't know exactly what I am going to have, and are asking "yes please" just because its part of your job!"

I mean, christ! Is it too much to ask for a little space when I go in so I can have a look what there is? So, anyway, after you have ignored her battle cry of "Yes please?", you go to look what is in stock to munch on. You look up. Her gaze follows you across the units. There is no escape, you're in her lair, you need to get something. Your mind starts to panic, you can feel it in her mind thinking "Hurry up, I wanna get back to chatting to Sheila", you can't believe she is willing you on using mind power, how rude!

You are left with the one option, Pasty or Baguette? Now, from a glance both look nice, I will use the example I was last confronted with when I made the mistake of popping into Greggs.

Steak Pasty or Turkey and Stuffing Baguette.

Both sound lovely, but look closer, the pasty will have contents the temperature and viscosity of magma 2miles below our feet, is guaranteed to burn the roof of your mouth and your tongue, so you are left with no sense of flavour for three days till the cells build back, or the cold baguette.

Oh sorry, I forgot to mention the third ingredient in the Turkey and Stuffing Baguette...

Mayonaisse.

Don't get me wrong, I love mayonaisse, but only when used right, and I can tell you now that stuffing and mayonaisse should NEVER meet. I didn't know this until I had foolishly bought the baguette however, although I still would have chosen the crappy texture of mayo and stuffing over the crappy texture of magma, but at least the pasty would have tasted nicer.

Anyways, what it all comes down to is never buy food at Greggs or Hampsons, you're treated like an inconvenience and you end up with crap food either way.

Oh, and the doughnuts are too fatty.

I'll be back for more grumping when my fingers aren't so sore.

General summery of things

Well then. I know, I know. When I got this blog, I said I was going to regulary update it or something similar. Anyways, recently things have happened. College is ticking over, it's not the greatest time of my life, but hey, it's giving me £30 a week in EMA, so it's not all bad.

Then there is my band, The Emotional Problems Of Dirk Diggler, we're still going, we've played some amazing gigs, and some shite ones. Thankfully, there have been FAR many more amazing ones than shit. Even people who used to hate us when they first saw us have been converted to the Church of Diggler. Even emo's with fringes longer than their face, and stuck up indie kids!!

However, tonight is 4th November, fireworks are going off all around me, and it's scary for me. If I haven't told you before, I will explain why.

Two years ago, it was the summer, and I was living in Fleetwood, and I was cycling back home from Blackpool, out of nowhere a tropical thunderstorm started, I dived under the closest tram stop and decided to wait it out, and if it didn't get any better, try and get a lift home frome the father. So there I was, never had a problem with thunder and lightning then, and enjoyed the show somewhat, until... the biggest explosion I have EVER heard. It was deafening, and I had temporary tinitus after for a couple of hours! And it was a bolt of lightning right above us, car alarms went off, when the lightning hit the hotel in front of me, the ground actually shook, thats how big it was! And the hotel was set on fire because of the strike.

And ever since that day, explosions scare me when I don't expect it, I can go to a fireworks display and have a great time. But sat in the house with the music on, and every ten seconds BANG...



BANG....




BANG...

It's horrible for me, and I hate it. My friend is supposed to be here right now, but he hasn't showed up, he isn't answering his phone, and I could really do with his company right now. I have no alcohol for tonight, but I daren't leave the house coz of my fear.

Oh yeah, add onto that the fact that I am STILL fucking single, how can I be single and the lead singer of a band? I MUST be THAT inherently revolting. Honest, I am a really nice guy, don't be fooled by the alcoholic habits. Yer, thinking it through, I suppose I have now been single for 1 year and 8 months. Thats like, 10% of my life you know since I last had a girlfriend!!! And now I look much better and presentable than I did back then, and I'm not so fussy with who I am with.

Hells bells. I'm off.

Kristoff xXx

P.S. How come getting out of town gigs appears to be fucking impossible too?

I'm still here folk. A HUGE catch up

Ok, so a special beautifl girl today asked where my ranting and moaning and pissing and bitching page was today. Ok, so not in so many words, but you get the drift. Those who are close to me know who this person is. I shant embarress her yet. :P

So, whilst it's on mymind...

The BBC Propaganda Machine

Can I start this bit off by saying, "Yes, it is September 11th", "Yes, it is 5 years on since those dreadful acts of terrorism were thousands of innocent civvilians lost their lives to the power of evil lunatics hell bent on taking the perverse parts of a relativly peaceful religion to the extreme in their Jihad" and...

"NO, THERE IS NO NEED TO SHOW THE FOOTAGE OF THESE PEOPLE DYING IN WHAT WAS EFFECTIVLY AN HOUR LONG PIECE OF PROPAGANDA ON BBC"

So yeah, for those who didn't see it on TV, it was a "Docu-drama" based on 9/11. It also came with the disclaimer stating that some events portraayed on the programme may be entirely fictional added for dramatic effect.

I feel my rant can stop here as the Beeb may as well have said "Holy shit, this is a bit of terror propaganda"

Thankfully they followed it up with Newsnight, which although I didn't watch because I hate Jeremy Paxman, they were posing the question that was "Can the war on terror ever be won" and "Should we have been pulled into it?"

And if you know anything about Paxo, he goes against everything, which I like about him, it's just his harrasing interview style I hate, he is quite rude.

All the more lighthearted shiz!!

Well, as I sit here listening to Cats (I love musicals as I am sure you all know) I think I shall do my favorite past time (other than drinking) and that is spout utter crap. So life recently, its taken a turn for the better.

I have recently moved in with my Dad. It's great here, I am near all my band and other friends, near my new college, Blackpool and The Fylde College, I even have a job with the greatest bosses ever Matin and Fiona at Blackpools new live music vene, Riffs. So, I have a home, without a twat of a mums boyfriend who couldn't organise a shag in a brothel, I have a college near my home, and a job to get me money, which is going to be spent on train fares to Preston to see Laura.

Laura is amazing. 'Nuff said.

So yeah, house, college, job, Laura. Could life be better?

I doubt it.. well, maybe if Rocky Horror Show came to town... that said, sing-a-longa at The Grand Theaatre in January, I will be there for a laugh.

Till next time folks.

Kristoff

Finger Exercise ... ahem

Yeah... well, there is nothing TOO important in this blog. I am blogging because I am bored. Thats it... how dull is that. I can't think of anything to blog about at the moment, other than...

Last night I had a great bottle of Red Wine, called Ball Island (and if you know me, you will know my surname is Ball) I bought it purely on the strength of its name... that being it having my surname in it... I can confirm it was a bloody great wine. Made by Banrock Station. I have a soft spot for this particular wine producer now (don't look for Ball Island on the site, it's not listed as a) It's a new wine, and b) They mainly show off their expensive wines on the site as opposed to their cheaper wines (and imagine what their expensive Shiraz would be like if Ball Island Shiraz was so good eh?) so yeah...) where was I, ahh, yes... my soft spot, Banrock Station also do conservation work for the australian wildlife, which as an animal lover and a bit of a hippy at heart, I think is great news. Yeah, go to your local Bargain Booze or Thorougoods, and grab yourself a bottle of Ball Island, only £3.99 a bottle or £7 for 2!!. BARGAIN!!

Yeah, in other news, I am playing a gig on Sunday with my old band, The Deserters, I say band... it's actually just me and the old bassist playing acoustapunk or puncoustic, call it what you will. It should be fun hopefully, hopefully I will be HAMMERED!! Singing like a drunken twat is a great skill and takes seconds of practise. Ahem.

Also, later on, most presumably next week, there will be an organised visit to Pizza Hut, take advantage of the £3.99 pizza buffet, eating all the pizza we can cram into our fat little faces, and take advantage of the refillable drinks too, I don't know how long we are allowed to be in there, but we will try and stay in for as long as we can, and I am not eating the night before, so when I get there, I will be eating a SHITLOAD!! So if anyone fancies coming along, just leave me a comment saying you wanna come, and I will confirm dates and times with y'all.

I shall leave you with a link to a great Blackpool Band too. The Sound Of Superstring

Laters reader(s).

Kristoff x

A big catch up... It's been a while

This blog contains : 2 gigs, A move of house and other rants and rambles. I will try and keep it in chronilogical order, be warned, I am on a laptop which I am not used to, so please forgive any spelling mistakes.

Ok, so then, first up, I will start with the first of the gigs which we played.

The Emotional Problems of Dirk Diggler, Live @ The Royal Oak in Poulton - 30th June

So, we were second on the bill on the night after the first act didn't show up, but we didn't go on earlier thankfully, we played a good show, and interestingly enough, for the first band on in the night had a fair few people stood in the "semi circle of appreciation" who looked to be quite enjoying the noises we were making. This made us happy, we had a fair bit of fun, we opened with UK Fans Can't Skank, Sheena Is A Ska Punker [Punk Rocker], Arthur Theme, The Ballad Of Sonny Gritts and finished off with a showstopping rendition of my favorite cover in the set, The Timewarp!! Oh yes, there I was jumping around like a crazed mentalist, probably high on sugar, but actually a wee tipsy on Guinness. This was a very much enjoyable show!!

So, on Tuesday, my Dad moved into his new house in Layton, so obviously as I am going to be living here more often than not, I was helping. It's quite a nice place, not too magnolia either with a warm yellow living room and a blue and yellow country style kitchen. My room however IS bloody magnolia, this shall change! Anyhoo, so I gave him a hand, which involved going to pick up the van, then picking up Alison who was giving us a hand, then flitting between various places to pick up my dads stuff, my grandads sofa as he wanted more room in his place, and going to get the beds, which mine didn't fit, so we had to go back to get another, all in all not very exciting, but it's a major thing in my life having a new home as well as my Fleetwood home.

Now I am gonna completely fuck over what I said about chronical order, as I am going to jump straight to last night (Friday 4th August) as I want to keep time wasting in one big chunk.

So last night was... The Emotional Problems Of Dirk Diggler, Live @ The New Bergeracs - Bolton.

Ok, so it was't mega packed, due to an annual young bands all day festival gig thing taking place until 11pm, and we were on at 9:15, but we wern't going to let that stop us from playing our best performance to date. The 10 or so people there seemed to enjoy it. We opened with UK Fans Can't Skank, then Arthur, then Sheena, then The Reggae Song, then Emo Suck, then The Ballad Of Sonny Gritts, and ending with the Time Warp.

Ahh, the Time Warp last night, probably my best performance of the song to date. It started with me walking off the stage onto the gear boxes at the front to sing a bit, then I climbed on top of the 8 or so foot high PA system, James the promoter came and held it steady for me, then about halfway through the first verse, I threw myself to the ground, still singing in mid air, Mully the bass-tard had to stop playing due to him laughing he was telling me after the gig, and then I was running around the venue, grabbed some randomers arm to drag him onto the dance floor, harrased him by not letting him off trying to get him to do the timewarp, I pelvic thrusted at the soundguy too. Then I climbed the PA again, and threw myself off... again, this time I did (for the second time and most definatly not the last haha) bust my lip open on my microphone, I ran to the back of the venue streathing my mic lead as far as I possibly could, then ran to the front of the dance floor and did the time warp (again)... then fell onto the floor. That was the end of that.

The promoter really liked us and is definatly putting us on at the next gig he puts on next month, which is fantastic news!!

*snipped*

Come see TEPODD live @ The Royal Windsor on the prom in Blackpool on 17th August!!

The Long Awaited Return Of My Social Life (With Added Surprises)

Yeah, I was surprised too.

Oh what? You wanna hear about it eh?

Nah, no you don't really, but I'm a gonna tell you!! Bwaahahah *chokes*

Yeah, so it was Thursday, late afternoon. Quite content with the idea of my usual lifestyle of staying on the net like the big geek I am and not adventuring past the front door, but then Mully said something that was to rock my world, he invited me out to go to a par-tay. I know, I was shocked.

At this point recluse reflex kicked in (the ability to sub-consiously find any possible reason to not be able to make it, i.e. "I have no money", "I won't know anybody", "All that happens at a party is I get bored and start reading a book in a quiet room" (which happened) and other bullshit reasons along the same line.

It was then I realised, if I carry on with this absurd nature, I will only ever drink alcohol in front of a PC screen forever apart from when at gigs! So I took a chance and convinced my mum to lend me some money for beer & got on the 14 & set off for St. Annes. I read my book on the bus. It was a funny part of it.

I got into St.Annes, made my way to the party with Mully & Sophie (whose house it was) and bunged my beer in the fridge to get icy cold. The fridge smelt like crap. I held my breath. Then I sat in the front room playing some ska on teh guitar to cheer El up. We had a laugh with some guy who El was flirting with over the telephone much to our giggles on loudspeaker. I had a few beers.

It was then when some tossers showed up and just were cunts. They took a couple of my beers without even asking. They were loud and obnoxious (even moreso than me). So I went into the conservertory with Mully & Evil Gemma where it was quieter. I even locked the door. I also counted that they pissed me off in the space of 2 mins. A record. I have a very low tolerance for strangers & crowds. People just do these things, its like being on a bus and someone is on their mobile, and you hear the whole side of their conversation. I talk very quietly on my mobile in public, the person can still hear me, I don't need to shout down the phone, the microphone is right next to my mouth. Anyhow, I digress...

So, a bit of room hopping, I eventually got bored and just grabbed my book (said it happened), and I got chatting to Sophie. Then I made food for people as I was the only person present who was competent enough not to set fire to the place. Then I got bored, and went to bed.

A little while later, I was disturbed by some cunt with a deodrant can and a lighter, and he used it as a flamethrower. On me. So now I am suffering from first and second degree burns on my back. Which hurt like a motherfucker!!!

Oh, I also smoked weed for the first time this night. Did fuck all really. Over-rated.

Yeah, I know, I went out somewhere, but wait, it gets even better...

I went out last night, to an ace as tits gig at a pub round the corner at the Rossal Tavern, the mighty Garland Green & the ace as tits The Sound Of Superstring. Both bands fucking owned all, and I got to see a couple of mates I hadn't seen for a bit which was nice. Oh and Oz from SOS gave me the greatest put down ever when I was heckling Simon (the guitarist), I was in hysterics. You had to be there. I'm keeping it to myself though hahah.

Anyhoo, so after this ace as tits gig, Me & Rida (from GG) went to Mica's house with her and her boyfriend, we didn't do much, had a couple of drinks & chatted with her mum & her friends. But it was good to get tanked again (I was on Newcastle Brown Ale mostly yesterday)

Anyhoo, here I am now, typing about it, wondering when my social life will return again.

I'm off now, Laters.

Kristoff xXx

P.S.

THE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS OF DIRK DIGGLER

LIVE @ THE ROYAL OAK

POULTON

6:00pm START - WE'RE ON AT 7:00pm

SUNDAY 30TH JULY

A general ramble I guess... many topics

Ok then, I guess I should do this in order, but if the order goes out of synch, I'm sorry, I am slightly drunk & very stupid.

Actually, fuck order, this will come as I type it, I won't even delete anything I say except spelling mistakes, this will be a written silloquie (is that how you spell the fucker)...

So, the first thing that comes to mind is that my fit band The Emotional Problems Of Dirk Diggler, we played out first public gig on Friday 14th. We were a bit immense, probably one of the better bands of the night (but I guess that is down to opinion), although many people came up to me and said how good we are and how good a frontman I was (I am a far better frontman than musician hahah)

We played some rocking songs, started the set with Blitzkrieg Bop, which we MAGICALLY morph into UK Fans Can't Skank, Sheena Is A Ska Punker (Our take on The Ramones classic, Sheena Is A Punk Rocker), Pardon My French (Our ode to swear words, including the chant of "FUCK CUNT WANK SHIT FUCK CUNT WANK SHIT"), that song was swiflty followed up with The Ballad Of Sonny Gritts, (My favorite song of ours, the tale of a 1920's New York gangster Mully and I came up with who ends with a grizzly death, a powerful as fuck song)...

BUT!! We ended the set, with a great song to finish on..

THE TIME WARP!! I can't really think of a better song to end on really... and I'm not going to try.

I thought the audience could have been a bit happier, but there were too many younguns and too many chavs there I persume to even understand ska remotely... or my jokes... people got really offended at "How do you know when your sisters on her period? ......... Your dads dick tastes funny" and were offended by the chant in pardon my french.... FUCKING LOSERS!!

Next in the news is that my mums (dickhead) boyfriend is stupider than I thought, oh yes, he didn't know that a star was like our sun, he said "But the sun is massive and is out during the day"... get this, he thought a shooting star was a real star colliding with earth... and then tonight he asked me why a certain star had moved... I'm sorry, but how can ANYBODY be so obtuse?

Also, before I go, my band has two new dates ::

The Royal Oak - Poulton - 30th July
The Royal Venue - Blackpool - 17th August (Stand in bassist coz Mully is fucking off to Cyprus)

Right then chaps, my arm aches, I'm off...

Kristoff Out

I'm not dead!! ... Just in a convincing coma

Well, actually, neither, I've just been busy recently. So I think its best I reassure you all, (not that you could really care), that I'm still alive! Hahah.

Well then, firstly, the biggest news this week is that my band have a song online, you can hear it at www.myspace.com/tepodd, the song is called "UK Fans Can't Skank" & is based on true events, about when me and some of the other members went to see Less Than Jake, and noone was skanking for the ska songs, just hardcore dancing. It's fairly basic, I'm not too impressed with my vocals, and the horns havent been recorded yet, but still, its getting good feedback. You can also come see us play on Friday 14th July, at Bispham Community Centre, its £2.50 entry, and we're on at 7pm.

I'lld like to follow that paragraph up with a new paragraph starting with the sentance, "In other news," ... but there isn't really any other news at all... except... Doctor Who, the finalé!

Yes! Doctor Who, The Doctor & Rose, their journeys through time and space together, over, finished, caput... and yes, I cried like a big sissy girl, three times no less. But what a great way to end a series, with the first ever time the Daleks have come face to face with the Cybermen. I also loved the great bits of comedy injected into that with the Daleks & Cybermen.

Cyberman : State your identity
Dalek : You will identify first
Cybermen : State your identity
Dalek : Indentify first
Cybermen : Indentify
Mickey (to Rose) : Blimey, it's like Stephen Hawkins meets the talking clock

There were many over moments of sheer hillarity, but it was followed up by Roses departure, and the way The Doctor looked so upset when she was heading into the breach. Then the scene with The Doctor & Rose both in alternate Torchwoods, with their ear against the wall, hoping to be able to hear each other, or sense them, but nothing, Roses tears, reduced me to tears (2nd time), then The Doctor walks away, he's lost someone he loved. Forever.

But then, Rose hears The Doctors voice calling her in a dream, and she follows that voice, to Norway, to a beach which translated into "Bad Wolf Bay", the last of the Bad Wolf references I expect. Where The Doctor transmitted an image through a tiny crack between dimensions, which would only last a few minuites, whilst he orbited a supernova, blowing up a star, just to say goodbye to Rose. Then Rose said to The Doctor "I love you", and he replies, being a typical Doctor, not showing the emotion of love to others, and then says, "I supose it being the last chance I'll get... Rose Tyler..." then his image fades away, and we cut to The Doctor in the TARDIS, first time ever seeing The Doctor crying, looking genuinly upset, the lonely god, travelling alone once again. I was in tears at this point... until... CATHERINE FUCKING TATE!!

Yep, CATHERINE FUCKING TATE!! That cunt shows up and ruins a great episode just by being her, why Russel, why cast that twat, she's as funny as a friction burn on your knob! I hope she is a good actress on christmas day, otherwise I shant be best pleased.

Anyhoo, I best sign off before I get to wound up.

Buh bye!!

Kristoff

P.S. www.myspace.com/tepodd ... you know you wanna listen