Sunday, July 23, 2006

The Long Awaited Return Of My Social Life (With Added Surprises)

Yeah, I was surprised too.

Oh what? You wanna hear about it eh?

Nah, no you don't really, but I'm a gonna tell you!! Bwaahahah *chokes*

Yeah, so it was Thursday, late afternoon. Quite content with the idea of my usual lifestyle of staying on the net like the big geek I am and not adventuring past the front door, but then Mully said something that was to rock my world, he invited me out to go to a par-tay. I know, I was shocked.

At this point recluse reflex kicked in (the ability to sub-consiously find any possible reason to not be able to make it, i.e. "I have no money", "I won't know anybody", "All that happens at a party is I get bored and start reading a book in a quiet room" (which happened) and other bullshit reasons along the same line.

It was then I realised, if I carry on with this absurd nature, I will only ever drink alcohol in front of a PC screen forever apart from when at gigs! So I took a chance and convinced my mum to lend me some money for beer & got on the 14 & set off for St. Annes. I read my book on the bus. It was a funny part of it.

I got into St.Annes, made my way to the party with Mully & Sophie (whose house it was) and bunged my beer in the fridge to get icy cold. The fridge smelt like crap. I held my breath. Then I sat in the front room playing some ska on teh guitar to cheer El up. We had a laugh with some guy who El was flirting with over the telephone much to our giggles on loudspeaker. I had a few beers.

It was then when some tossers showed up and just were cunts. They took a couple of my beers without even asking. They were loud and obnoxious (even moreso than me). So I went into the conservertory with Mully & Evil Gemma where it was quieter. I even locked the door. I also counted that they pissed me off in the space of 2 mins. A record. I have a very low tolerance for strangers & crowds. People just do these things, its like being on a bus and someone is on their mobile, and you hear the whole side of their conversation. I talk very quietly on my mobile in public, the person can still hear me, I don't need to shout down the phone, the microphone is right next to my mouth. Anyhow, I digress...

So, a bit of room hopping, I eventually got bored and just grabbed my book (said it happened), and I got chatting to Sophie. Then I made food for people as I was the only person present who was competent enough not to set fire to the place. Then I got bored, and went to bed.

A little while later, I was disturbed by some cunt with a deodrant can and a lighter, and he used it as a flamethrower. On me. So now I am suffering from first and second degree burns on my back. Which hurt like a motherfucker!!!

Oh, I also smoked weed for the first time this night. Did fuck all really. Over-rated.

Yeah, I know, I went out somewhere, but wait, it gets even better...

I went out last night, to an ace as tits gig at a pub round the corner at the Rossal Tavern, the mighty Garland Green & the ace as tits The Sound Of Superstring. Both bands fucking owned all, and I got to see a couple of mates I hadn't seen for a bit which was nice. Oh and Oz from SOS gave me the greatest put down ever when I was heckling Simon (the guitarist), I was in hysterics. You had to be there. I'm keeping it to myself though hahah.

Anyhoo, so after this ace as tits gig, Me & Rida (from GG) went to Mica's house with her and her boyfriend, we didn't do much, had a couple of drinks & chatted with her mum & her friends. But it was good to get tanked again (I was on Newcastle Brown Ale mostly yesterday)

Anyhoo, here I am now, typing about it, wondering when my social life will return again.

I'm off now, Laters.

Kristoff xXx

P.S.

THE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS OF DIRK DIGGLER
LIVE @ THE ROYAL OAK
POULTON
6:00pm START - WE'RE ON AT 7:00pm
SUNDAY 30TH JULY

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A general ramble I guess... many topics

Ok then, I guess I should do this in order, but if the order goes out of synch, I'm sorry, I am slightly drunk & very stupid.

Actually, fuck order, this will come as I type it, I won't even delete anything I say except spelling mistakes, this will be a written silloquie (is that how you spell the fucker)...

So, the first thing that comes to mind is that my fit band The Emotional Problems Of Dirk Diggler, we played out first public gig on Friday 14th. We were a bit immense, probably one of the better bands of the night (but I guess that is down to opinion), although many people came up to me and said how good we are and how good a frontman I was (I am a far better frontman than musician hahah)

We played some rocking songs, started the set with Blitzkrieg Bop, which we MAGICALLY morph into UK Fans Can't Skank, Sheena Is A Ska Punker (Our take on The Ramones classic, Sheena Is A Punk Rocker), Pardon My French (Our ode to swear words, including the chant of "FUCK CUNT WANK SHIT FUCK CUNT WANK SHIT"), that song was swiflty followed up with The Ballad Of Sonny Gritts, (My favorite song of ours, the tale of a 1920's New York gangster Mully and I came up with who ends with a grizzly death, a powerful as fuck song)...

BUT!! We ended the set, with a great song to finish on..

THE TIME WARP!! I can't really think of a better song to end on really... and I'm not going to try.

I thought the audience could have been a bit happier, but there were too many younguns and too many chavs there I persume to even understand ska remotely... or my jokes... people got really offended at "How do you know when your sisters on her period? ......... Your dads dick tastes funny" and were offended by the chant in pardon my french.... FUCKING LOSERS!!

Next in the news is that my mums (dickhead) boyfriend is stupider than I thought, oh yes, he didn't know that a star was like our sun, he said "But the sun is massive and is out during the day"... get this, he thought a shooting star was a real star colliding with earth... and then tonight he asked me why a certain star had moved... I'm sorry, but how can ANYBODY be so obtuse?

Also, before I go, my band has two new dates ::

The Royal Oak - Poulton - 30th July
The Royal Venue - Blackpool - 17th August (Stand in bassist coz Mully is fucking off to Cyprus)

Right then chaps, my arm aches, I'm off...

Kristoff Out

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I'm not dead!! ... Just in a convincing coma

Well, actually, neither, I've just been busy recently. So I think its best I reassure you all, (not that you could really care), that I'm still alive! Hahah.

Well then, firstly, the biggest news this week is that my band have a song online, you can hear it at www.myspace.com/tepodd, the song is called "UK Fans Can't Skank" & is based on true events, about when me and some of the other members went to see Less Than Jake, and noone was skanking for the ska songs, just hardcore dancing. It's fairly basic, I'm not too impressed with my vocals, and the horns havent been recorded yet, but still, its getting good feedback. You can also come see us play on Friday 14th July, at Bispham Community Centre, its £2.50 entry, and we're on at 7pm.

I'lld like to follow that paragraph up with a new paragraph starting with the sentance, "In other news," ... but there isn't really any other news at all... except... Doctor Who, the finalé!

Yes! Doctor Who, The Doctor & Rose, their journeys through time and space together, over, finished, caput... and yes, I cried like a big sissy girl, three times no less. But what a great way to end a series, with the first ever time the Daleks have come face to face with the Cybermen. I also loved the great bits of comedy injected into that with the Daleks & Cybermen.

Cyberman : State your identity
Dalek : You will identify first
Cybermen : State your identity
Dalek : Indentify first
Cybermen : Indentify
Mickey (to Rose) : Blimey, it's like Stephen Hawkins meets the talking clock

There were many over moments of sheer hillarity, but it was followed up by Roses departure, and the way The Doctor looked so upset when she was heading into the breach. Then the scene with The Doctor & Rose both in alternate Torchwoods, with their ear against the wall, hoping to be able to hear each other, or sense them, but nothing, Roses tears, reduced me to tears (2nd time), then The Doctor walks away, he's lost someone he loved. Forever.

But then, Rose hears The Doctors voice calling her in a dream, and she follows that voice, to Norway, to a beach which translated into "Bad Wolf Bay", the last of the Bad Wolf references I expect. Where The Doctor transmitted an image through a tiny crack between dimensions, which would only last a few minuites, whilst he orbited a supernova, blowing up a star, just to say goodbye to Rose. Then Rose said to The Doctor "I love you", and he replies, being a typical Doctor, not showing the emotion of love to others, and then says, "I supose it being the last chance I'll get... Rose Tyler..." then his image fades away, and we cut to The Doctor in the TARDIS, first time ever seeing The Doctor crying, looking genuinly upset, the lonely god, travelling alone once again. I was in tears at this point... until... CATHERINE FUCKING TATE!!

Yep, CATHERINE FUCKING TATE!! That cunt shows up and ruins a great episode just by being her, why Russel, why cast that twat, she's as funny as a friction burn on your knob! I hope she is a good actress on christmas day, otherwise I shant be best pleased.

Anyhoo, I best sign off before I get to wound up.

Buh bye!!

Kristoff

P.S. www.myspace.com/tepodd ... you know you wanna listen

Saturday, July 01, 2006

What a day

Well then, today was a trip to Liverpool to watch the Rocky Horror Show, for the second time round! And what a day it has been.

Started with a leisurly drive to Blackpool Vic for my dad to get his surgical scrubs (will explain later) and then followed with a drive into Liverpool, on the back roads. We passed about 20 trac'ors (I refuse to call them tractors, it doesn't sound like what they do), we also had some aggro off a few lunatic drivers, it appears that people in Liverpool know not how to control a car, even if they *alledgedy* hold a UK driving liscense!

When we got to Liverpool, we looked for a cash machine to get money to purchase some grub. Did you know, its nigh on imposible to find a cash machine near The Empire Theatre? We eventually found one, next door to a music shop, so I went in there for a moch at the saxaphones, because as soon as I have a job I am going to rent one out and give it a whirl, hopefully I should be a natural lol! My dad ooked queasy when he saw the £300 price tag haha.

We then went to a restraunt, which I think EVERY town should have one, called May Sum's. It's an all you can eat chinese/cantonese buffet restraunt, where you sit down, order yourself some drinkie poo's, we ordered Tsingtao Beer, which was beautiful by the way, and proceeded to get some grub on our plates. Now this place is brilliant if you are cultured, or at least open minded, however, a few things saddened me, things I would want to change. I shall make a list...

  • They have chips on the buffet table. I'm sorry, but if I ran the place, I would refuse to serve chips, as people can get their sodding chips down any cunting fast food shop (except Subway hahah) and, besides... what's so good about a few deep fried spuds anyways?
  • They serve sweet and sour pork, chicken and beef. I hate it. But not only that, you ask your everyday englishman/woman what their favorite chinese food is, and they will 70% of the time say sweet and sour pork/chicken/beef/all three. Yet at this place they have such joys as sezchaun style ribs, and vermicelli noodles, and black bean coated beef, and beef in a ginger sauce, and such joyous foods you don't get to eat every day... but NO! I saw a woman pile half of her plate with egg fried fucking rice, and the other half with sweet and sour cunting chicken. WHY?!?! ... and I thought that was bad, until her husband got half a plate of chips, and half a plate of sweet and sour chicken. THEY PAYED £6 FOR THIS MEAL!! CRYING OUT LOUD, GET YOUR MONEYS WORTH AND EXPAND YOUR TASTES AND BECOME MORE CULTURED!!
  • Chopsticks... a severe lack of, although I suppose this is for the uncultured fucks of the chips and sweet and sour chicken generation, that they only provide a knife and fork on the table. So if you feel like being adventerous and giving something new a try (or in my case an art I have mastered), and using chopsticks, you have to ask, they keep them hidden away in a draw under where the food is, not in plain view so anyone can pick some up and try it, which brings me to think, what a lazy breed of human we are these days.

I did see a few other people using chopsticks... they however were all chinese, I felt quite proud of myself though, I felt that by using chopsticks, it shows that I am more than happy to learn from other cultures and embrace it, I at home, have two pairs of chopsticks (granted, stolen from chinese restraunts, but hey, where else do you see them)... but I hope that when they saw me they we're quite happy to see a non chinese person using the chopsticks, correctly, as I do recall once seeing some fat fuck just stab food with one chopstick and eating off it like a skewer.

Another rule they have there which I think is briliant is, that if you waste food, you pay more. I need not rant on about it. Its plain obvious why it is genius! (And secretly, I hope uncultured cunts waste lots of food just to make them pay more for being fucking morons)

Anyways, after that, we set off to the Empire Theatre, with surgical scrubs in the bag, went to the toilet and changed into them & got the rubber gloves out... for those who are unfortunate enough to have never gotten the chance to see The Rocky Horror Show, firstly, I pity you... secondly, we were dressed like this, because the main character, Frank-N-Furter, during the creation scene, where he brings Rocky Horror himself, to life, wears hospital scrubs... well technically, he wears a surgical gown. But hospital scrubs will suffice, next time though, full drag for me.

Anyhoo, suffice to say the show was brilliant, as it was the first time round, and I'm now off to look into the dates, and location of, the shows in Stoke later this year.

Toodleoo!!

Kristoff xXx