Bastarding sodding grumping moaning whinging twat.

Yes, thats me. Honest, I really do hate many things, and today I am going to take some time out of whinging about them outloud, to whinge about them via my fingers.

It's a bit hard being a middle aged bloke in the body of a 19 year old, things piss me off that shouldn't piss me off, and for me, the one big one I should understand, but don't, is technology. I am crap with it, give me a phone I break it within a short amount of time, it takes me about an hour of constant messing about with the leads, restarting the pc, etc, just to upload a couple of photos onto that internet phenomena that is Myspace. I shan't put a link onto it, I'm addicted, thats bad enough. Now, yeah, you must have already figured my camera is a camera phone. WRONG! No, it's a camera. I fucking hate people calling me on it, firstly it buzzes in my ear and is annoying, secondly, I ditest talking to people on the phone, especially when I am in public. When I am on the bus, one thing that annoys me so much to the point of me exploding with rage is people, in the almost Trigger Happy TV stylee, shouting down their mobiles. It makes me want to go to them and pull their phone away from their ear so they can concentrate on me, and explain, that just because their boyfriend/girlfriend/child/parent/spouse/other is 20 miles away, it does NOT mean they have to shout to them, the microphone in the mobile will pick up their voice.

So anyway, I don't like talking on my phone in public for that very reason, the fact that someone could listen in on my conversation scares me, I'm a private person. The other reason for me not wanting my mobile phone on me, is the only people who ring me is my cousin, Phil, and my mum. Both of whom are quite dull to talk to on the phone, the conversation mainly consists of listening to them breating. All in all, I really REALLY hate mobile phones.

So, at the moment, I am really starving and there is no food I can eat in the house, my dad ate all the chips, instant mash, etc, the stuff that you can have with fish, or pie, or sausages. This is annoying because I haven't eaten all day now. Whilst I am on the topic of food, Greggs.

Greggs and Hampsons are the most evil places on earth. They annoy me from the second I step in the shop. I put one foot through the door, there they are like a pack of lions making the sudden attack on their unsuspecting prey.

"Yes please?"

The woman behind the counter asks with a forced cheeriness to her voice... this is instantly annoying, because I haven't yet devoloped the skill of foresight, enabling me to know exactly what I want to buy as soon as I walk into the shop. I feel like shouting "You don't know me as a regular, you don't know exactly what I am going to have, and are asking "yes please" just because its part of your job!"

I mean, christ! Is it too much to ask for a little space when I go in so I can have a look what there is? So, anyway, after you have ignored her battle cry of "Yes please?", you go to look what is in stock to munch on. You look up. Her gaze follows you across the units. There is no escape, you're in her lair, you need to get something. Your mind starts to panic, you can feel it in her mind thinking "Hurry up, I wanna get back to chatting to Sheila", you can't believe she is willing you on using mind power, how rude!

You are left with the one option, Pasty or Baguette? Now, from a glance both look nice, I will use the example I was last confronted with when I made the mistake of popping into Greggs.

Steak Pasty or Turkey and Stuffing Baguette.

Both sound lovely, but look closer, the pasty will have contents the temperature and viscosity of magma 2miles below our feet, is guaranteed to burn the roof of your mouth and your tongue, so you are left with no sense of flavour for three days till the cells build back, or the cold baguette.

Oh sorry, I forgot to mention the third ingredient in the Turkey and Stuffing Baguette...

Mayonaisse.

Don't get me wrong, I love mayonaisse, but only when used right, and I can tell you now that stuffing and mayonaisse should NEVER meet. I didn't know this until I had foolishly bought the baguette however, although I still would have chosen the crappy texture of mayo and stuffing over the crappy texture of magma, but at least the pasty would have tasted nicer.

Anyways, what it all comes down to is never buy food at Greggs or Hampsons, you're treated like an inconvenience and you end up with crap food either way.

Oh, and the doughnuts are too fatty.

I'll be back for more grumping when my fingers aren't so sore.